Lately, I’ve become more and more frustrated. But thats it. Don’t know why. Don’t know the root cause of this sudden change of mood. Although I’ve been doing many activities that will help change my mood, and they have been working, but I always need to know the starting point of the frustration.
Maybe my mood is not actually frustration, it could possibly be something else. I am starting school again in two weeks. I’m scared to go to school, it brings a lot of bad memories, and possibly I’m connecting the memories to the new school. Or I could be very paranoid about my anxiety, therefore making it worse than it actually is. I’m not sure. But what I’m one hundred percent sure about is that I’m ignoring my feelings and adding negative thoughts to an already difficult time in my life.
A classroom is just a classroom, but suddenly when it’s filled with students and professors, I become numb. All of my senses become very overwhelming and I don’t know how to calm myself down. Am I breathing too loud? Am I taking up too much space? Can the person behind me see the front of the class? Do I smell bad, even after I showered twice? Do I sound stupid? Am I stupid? Am I making too much noise? Am I too much? Am I big headed? Am I good enough to be here? Do I even belong here?
I’ve started to over analyze every little thing, and for some strange reason, I can’t stop. It becomes like an itch that can’t not be scratched. My right leg starts to tremble and shake but the rest of my body doesn’t move, I’ve become paralyzed. My breathing becomes more shaken as I force myself to not breathe instead of breathing slowly. As I start to run out of air, I become filled with anxiety that I need to take another deep breathe but weary as I might make too much noise. Does my hand look weird when I write? It’s better not to move because then I won’t continue to make mistakes. I can’t possibly make someone else be annoyed of me. Am I too much? Do I belong here?