Do you ever begin to wonder when your happiness will end? Is it the loneliness that will cause you pain? Or is it overwhelming and pain becomes a constant, enough for it to cause you to become numb?
Sometimes I wonder about the pain that I have endured. And the caused. How much have I created, or the amount that has been brought upon by others? I do know one thing for sure, that it can’t be a good feeling. In fact, I’m well aware that it’s not a good feeling. This is the start of me relearning to become lost. Pain forces me to think in a way that is obscure and abstract. My thought patterns become erratic and nonlinear. I begin my days with energy, by mid-day I live in fear, and by the evening I become weak. As the night falls, I can see my day walk past with glaring jealousy, but I do nothing.
I’m stuck. I’m lost. I’m suffering. I’m petrified.